Forgive yourself

se pardonner

We are often told of this word: forgiveness. As if, with us who have been the victim of the unforgivable, this notion took on its full meaning. Besides, each of the three psychologists to whom I sought answers opposed it to me. To get better, I had to ... forgive.

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But I felt, and still feel, unable to forgive. Forgive ... it's easy to say. Once again, the blame was blamed on me. If I was not well, it was because of me, because I could not forgive.

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Me, if I released my word, it is precisely because I was tired of putting up with it. I finally wanted to be the sole master of my life. I moved forward. I tried to stay standing. Little by little, and especially since I published my testimony, the anger has passed.

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Others often have trouble understanding the nuance. For them, if I am no longer angry, it is because I have forgiven. Somehow they are right. But, and they don't know it, they just got the wrong person. What my brother did to me is simply IM-forgivable. If I am no longer angry, it is because I have forgiven myself. To me.

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Non-victims often find it difficult to understand why, what we should forgive ourselves. We know this gear that leads us to guilt. We blame ourselves for having let it happen. We blame ourselves for not having known, for not being able to say no. As we grow up, we look at our wounds with an adult gaze and we forget what it is, to be a child, to have no other choice but to obey the law of the strongest, to the hold, the adult strength.

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We blame ourselves for having remained silent. I never imagined that I would be silent for so long. Over 30 years! In the court of my own story, this silence first made me my brother's accomplice. And by force, because of this silence, in this same court, I found myself guilty, perhaps even more than my brother. I ended up hating myself, not looking at myself in the mirror anymore. I grieved for all the harm he had done to me, for all this invisible suffering I was suffering from.

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Without realizing it, it is against ourselves that we become angry, against this body that disgusts us, because it brings us back to our aggressors. We open our veins because we believe that their violence is flowing in us.

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We hate each other. We blame ourselves. So, before we think about forgiving those who have hurt us, it is with ourselves that we must make peace. It is only at this price that we will be able to appease our anger.

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Yes I was angry with myself. And this anger blinded him. I wasn't worth anything. I was nothing. It is this anger against us that sometimes leads us to have excessive, extreme behaviors. We don't care about dying. So we burn life in the hope that it consumes us with it.

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It is our inner child who is crying somewhere within us. It is he who cries out in rage and pain. He's the one who blames us. He resents the adults we have become, as best they can. He feels abandoned. He is the one we must appease.

It is difficult to go back to him because it means looking his past in the face, going back to convince yourself that we could not do anything, that we are responsible for nothing.

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You are not responsible. You are a victim. Never forget it. We don't care that you can't forgive your abuser. And well done if you've found the strength to do so. What matters is you. Always. What matters is making peace with you. The main thing is to forgive yourself. To be able to look at yourself in the mirror without looking away.

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Always think of yourself first. Make peace with yourself.

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Laurent Boyet

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Forgiveness

I like the spread

I like it on toast, or even with a teaspoon.

But serve it with a pan-fried shrimp or spread on a slice of cheese, and I won't be able to swallow anything.

Not because the cheese is bad or that I don't like shrimp.

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When it doesn't go, it doesn't.

"We don't mix tea towels with towels" as my grandfather would have said ...

When it says "NO" inside, it's NO.

This is true for a gesture that twists the body

It's true for a word that twists the soul

This is true for a food that twists the guts

That's true for advice that twists the heart

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So, a remedy that does not help you get back on your feet, but gives you more lead than the one you arrived with, is called poison.

"You MUST forgive in order to heal"

"We MUST find peace"

"You MUST understand and appease yourself"

All these FAUTS ring a little wrong

And in terms of pain, not too much "FAUT" is not needed ...

To forgive or not .. What an intimate question!

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In any case, neither a priority objective, nor a miracle method.

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Nor, "THE" way, certainly not a Grail or a conquest that would come before you, your feelings, your sensitivity.

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Resilience has its paths that reason ignores.

Sometimes forgiveness is part of the scene, sometimes not.

But for the hour when everything is tangled inside, that it pulls, or that it stings, I would leave well ...

... the confessors in the confessional.

The moralists with their morals.

The tea towels with the tea towels.

The towels with the towels.

... and the spread next to the baguette.

Advance your way already!

There will be a question at some point of letting this person who hurt you go his way, and you, go yours.

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If singing, surpassing yourself, praying, creating, dancing or getting involved in a cause can help you, you are free to find your way.

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And this in the unique and precious secret of what your heart will decide.

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Marie-Emilie PLASSART

Clinical Psychologist

M E PLASSART.jpeg
Psychologue pour enfants

The Eye of the Psychologist

Exercise

It happened to you more or less a long time ago.

You tell yourself that you have moved on and that you are not dead.

Or that with good will, we can overcome and forgive.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • Do you feel that there are like two people inside you? One that everyone knows, and one that cries, infuriates or shames you, and that you put energy into hiding?

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  • How often do you feel like you're an impostor when you achieve something?

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  • Do you feel in the grip of compulsions that make you feel ashamed? (food, sex, alcohol or drugs)

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  • Do you ever think that ending your own life is an option like any other?

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  • Do you involuntarily injure yourself often?

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  • Do you have a hard time creating empathy and understanding around you, adopting attitudes that annoy or lead to rejection of you, when deep down what you need most is to feel understood and close?

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  • Do you have trouble feeling that you belong to a group?

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  • When you disagree with something or someone, do you most of the time avoid expressing that disagreement because basically "it's not that important"?

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  • Do you avoid expressing anger for fear of exploding or having violent behavior?

If you answered "yes" to one or more of these questions, it indicates that a number of painful emotions have stuck in you and continue to bleed a wound inside.

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An emotion is intended to be expressed.

E-MOTION = a movement that goes from the inside to the outside. Thomas d'Ansembourg tells us "if I repress what I should express ... then I am depressed"

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"Maybe this is the time to ask yourself the question of finding a good person to ask, to allow you to exist fully with your singularity, and to reconnect with your whole personality, including the hurt or shameful parts, that you keep in silence ... "