se pardonner

We are often told of this word: forgiveness. As if, with us who have been the victim of the unforgivable, this notion took on its full meaning. Besides, each of the three psychologists to whom I sought answers opposed it to me. To get better, I had to ... forgive.

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But I felt, and still feel, unable to forgive. Forgive ... it's easy to say. Once again, the blame was blamed on me. If I was not well, it was because of me, because I could not forgive.

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Me, if I released my word, it is precisely because I was tired of putting up with it. I finally wanted to be the sole master of my life. I moved forward. I tried to stay standing. Little by little, and especially since I published my testimony, the anger has passed.

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Others often have trouble understanding the nuance. For them, if I am no longer angry, it is because I have forgiven. Somehow they are right. But, and they don't know it, they just got the wrong person. What my brother did to me is simply IM-forgivable. If I am no longer angry, it is because I have forgiven myself. To me.

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Non-victims often find it difficult to understand why, what we should forgive ourselves. We know this gear that leads us to guilt. We blame ourselves for having let it happen. We blame ourselves for not having known, for not being able to say no. As we grow up, we look at our wounds with an adult gaze and we forget what it is, to be a child, to have no other choice but to obey the law of the strongest, to the hold, the adult strength.

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We blame ourselves for having remained silent. I never imagined that I would be silent for so long. Over 30 years! In the court of my own story, this silence first made me my brother's accomplice. And by force, because of this silence, in this same court, I found myself guilty, perhaps even more than my brother. I ended up hating myself, not looking at myself in the mirror anymore. I grieved for all the harm he had done to me, for all this invisible suffering I was suffering from.

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Without realizing it, it is against ourselves that we become angry, against this body that disgusts us, because it brings us back to our aggressors. We open our veins because we believe that their violence is flowing in us.

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We hate each other. We blame ourselves. So, before we think about forgiving those who have hurt us, it is with ourselves that we must make peace. It is only at this price that we will be able to appease our anger.

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Yes I was angry with myself. And this anger blinded him. I wasn't worth anything. I was nothing. It is this anger against us that sometimes leads us to have excessive, extreme behaviors. We don't care about dying. So we burn life in the hope that it consumes us with it.

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It is our inner child who is crying somewhere within us. It is he who cries out in rage and pain. He's the one who blames us. He resents the adults we have become, as best they can. He feels abandoned. He is the one we must appease.

It is difficult to go back to him because it means looking his past in the face, going back to convince yourself that we could not do anything, that we are responsible for nothing.

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You are not responsible. You are a victim. Never forget it. We don't care that you can't forgive your abuser. And well done if you've found the strength to do so. What matters is you. Always. What matters is making peace with you. The main thing is to forgive yourself. To be able to look at yourself in the mirror without looking away.

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Always think of yourself first. Make peace with yourself.

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Laurent Boyet

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