Whatever the evils of which we were victims during our childhood, sexual violence, harassment, physical or psychological violence, there is a point on which we all find ourselves, induced by our suffering to wounds too long kept for us : the desire to die.

In addition to this, you need to know more about it.

The hold of our aggressors is such that it is often impossible for us to be able to verbalize the harm they do to us. To say ... for others, non-victims, it seems so simple ... Why didn't you say anything? This is the eternal question we are asked when we finally find the courage. It hurts that question. She feels guilty as if we needed this.

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Because in the end, what pushes us into a vacuum, what makes us look death in the face, is not so much the harm that we have been done. The physical can repair itself. But how do you heal invisible wounds? Even more than the harm my brother did to me, it was all the years of silence that followed that destroyed me. Thirty years of silence. Thirty years of swallowed anger, of shame, of guilt.

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We are like in a tunnel that we would never see the end of. A cold and black tunnel, in which the slightest hope bumps into walls that are too close. And the more we advance, the more we have the feeling that the outcome is moving away from us. It's scary. It drives you crazy.

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How do I make it stop? This darkness, this cold, this feeling of loneliness? These masks that we wear so that we are left alone but which give us an even more bad image of ourselves? No one can help us because no one can understand us. So, in the midst of all this chaos, only one solution seems obvious to us: to die.

In addition to this, you need to know more about it.

I too had this desire, this desire to end it which brought me to the parapet of a bridge, with the void below me. Nothing mattered anymore. Because I was nothing anymore and that couldn't be life. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I took a huge breath. I looked around for the last time. But I couldn't manage to empty myself. My brother's face was everywhere. He had a smile. A mocking smile.

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I understood then. My life was non-life. Certainly. But by jumping there, without having released my word, my death was going to be useless. This realization was like an electric shock. And I came down from the wall that separated me from nothingness. And I stayed, like a menace in my brother's pretty sky, a sword ready to strike him down at any moment.

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I still had to wait almost 18 years after this episode to find the strength not to be afraid anymore, not to be ashamed. But I have never forgotten that night, that night when I wanted to die. She was my strength to stay upright. I know death may seem the only way. But I don't regret anything today. Because I am where I need to be. And I have this feeling of doing what I went through this hell for.

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Don't spend your life wondering why. Why us ? Why did they do this to us? This question drives you crazy because it has no answer. Live. Live to show them that they didn't win. Live so that it is they who are afraid, they who end up being ashamed. Oh no, not what they did to us. No, ashamed of the gaze of others, ashamed of the rumor.

In addition to this, you need to know more about it.

Live!

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